Wandering thoughts on Friday 13th

Snow-white blank memories of my old life are flashing… Dancing in front of my eyes… Fears… Anticipation… Smile? I don’t want to cry… to try… failing another time feels almost like a wish to die. I lie… even now… to myself and you – I always do… Don’t we all?

I fly and I fall but there’s no middle of just walking around – I lost this side… I lost this part of me. I scream within externally being numb but inside internally I cry… I have doubts inside… they dance while dreams and hopes just lie on the ground breathless… yet still alive.

Closed eyes… What images they hide? Will I ever find out? Isn’t life all about lies we choose and dress up like truth… I won’t be confused if so… No… not me.

In this world I am someone who can’t be seen or at least so it seems. I have pieces inside of me – shards of future and broken dreams, hopes, desires and sins – scattered and lost parts of me…

Will I ever manage to collect and see the kaleidoscope of my life that I hide within? My poetry… is it a key?

Words on the page will they make me bleed and see what I am inside for real… this afraid little kitten or Queen of this world around and within or I’m both… but where is the bridge – is it lost?

Words… They lead me somwhere. I know… images… feelings… I grow and something inside evolves. I wonder what does it mean… Will I ever be able to see Me?..

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Cold…

Cold… I’m just cold… It seems like I’m having some icy cold crystal aura around my body and heart… Freezing from inside what I hide? Darkness or light? A mix of both? Unwritten words… Faded echoes of what once was my voice… Lost in a numb void – I know that I won’t be heard and not like I really care… Being here… somewhere… nowhere… There, where my heart lies, truth is disguised as lies… Lies are a common fact… Being silent I start to forget… everything – even myself… Stolen moments of warmth leading towards dead end… Cold… I’m like shivering sand. Time flies but right now it stands… Still… And I am afraid… Begging clocks to start moving again… I am cold like shivering sand…